Sexual choking becoming normalised among young people, experts warn
Warning: This story discusses sexual violence
Choking during sex has become so commonplace that some young women no longer consider it particularly rough, a criminologist has warned.
But researchers say there is no safe way to choke another person, and serious harm can occur without visible injury.
Criminologist Dr Samantha Keene shared findings from interviews with 18 women about sexual strangulation at the Ripple Effect conference in Tauranga on Thursday.
Keene, a senior lecturer at Victoria University, said choking and rough sex was increasingly viewed as “common”.
The women’s experiences ranged from consensual sex to sexual assault, including pressure to participate, uncertainty about potential harm and limited awareness of where to seek help.
Keene spoke alongside The Light Project director Nikki Denholm at the conference, which was focused on sexual violence, emerging harms, and prevention.
Keene discussed rough sex, from hair-pulling and slapping to choking, and how the line between consensual activity and harm often blurred.
“One person’s version of rough sex, violence for another.”
She said exposure to rough sex through pornography, social media and popular culture was shaping attitudes and expectations.
Keene showed how easily accessible online content promoted techniques that claimed to make choking safer.
“The body cannot differentiate between consensual and non-consensual pressure on the neck.”
She said choking could cause airway swelling, headaches, traumatic brain injuries, strokes, and, in rare cases, death.
Keene said the Aotearoa Online Dating and Sex Survey found people under 30 were more than twice as likely to report being choked or suffocated during sex, with just over half saying they had always consented.
An Australian survey of about 4700 people aged 18 to 35 found 57% had been strangled during sex by a partner, while 51% had strangled a partner.
Keene’s own early research suggested choking had become so commonplace that some women no longer considered it particularly rough.
Several participants said partners repeatedly raised the idea after they expressed discomfort or said no.
Others worried they might have been injured but were reluctant to stop the encounter or speak up because they wanted to please their partner.
Keene said there was an urgent need for a public awareness campaign as young people increasingly encountered online content that downplayed the risks of choking.
Consent, trust and communication were important, but she said they did not cancel out the physical dangers of pressure to the neck.
Denholm said frontline services were increasingly hearing from young people who viewed rough sex and choking as normal or expected.
The Light Project, which helps young people navigate the digital sexual landscape, recorded a 444% increase in people seeking information about rough sex through its website in the past six months.
Denholm said figures from the Medical Sexual Assault Clinicians network showed choking or strangulation featured in about 1% of sexual assaults involving people under 25 three or four years ago, compared with about 40% this year.
One of the biggest challenges was that many young people struggled to recognise harmful experiences because they viewed the behaviour as part of modern sexual culture.
She said the change in culture could lead young people to blame themselves, minimise what happened or avoid seeking help because they did not believe their experience qualified as assault.
Rotorua-based EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) therapist Bianca Taute, who specialises in birth trauma, said the discussion was “triggering” but reflected concerns she heard.
She said she was troubled by the idea that choking had become an expected part of sex, leaving some women feeling they had to accept it.
“That’s what makes me sad about it, because that’s what they think sex is and that’s what they have to be.”
Taute said health workers needed to know how to respond when someone disclosed a harmful experience.
“If somebody trusts you enough to share their deepest, darkest hurt, then it is our job to do something about it or at least connect them up with the people who can help them.”
She said the discussion made her grateful to have a son rather than a daughter, but reinforced her responsibility to teach him about consent as he grew up.
Tautoko Mai chief executive Brent Gilbert-De Rios said the conference was an opportunity for organisations to build stronger connections and provide survivors with more seamless support.
He said services could be fragmented, with survivors often needing to navigate multiple organisations to access the help they needed.
De Rios said organisations also needed to keep pace with changing behaviours among young people, including the normalisation of rough sex.
“Things change very quickly, and behaviours like that can be normalised very quickly.
“We need to kind of challenge ourselves to ensure that the support that we provide reflects what they need.”
Zoe Blake is a multimedia journalist at the Bay of Plenty Times and Rotorua Daily Post.