When is it acceptable to put up the Christmas tree? – Glenn Dwight

These are the people who would happily put their tree up in July, start playing Mariah Carey in August and genuinely believe forcing the family dog to wear reindeer antlers isn’t a violation of the SPCA’s Geneva Convention on animal humiliation.

For them, Christmas isn’t a day. It’s a season, and preferably one that lasts six months.

On the other side are the Christmas Grinches.

These people believe December 24 is quite early enough and even then; they’d prefer to wait until the evening.

They regard Christmas decorations as unnecessary clutter, Christmas music as a form of psychological warfare, and the whole business of putting up a tree as something that could probably be avoided if everyone just agreed to meet at the pub.

But somewhere between these two extremes, there must be a sensible answer.

And because I believe in approaching important domestic disagreements with the same scientific rigour normally reserved for CSI Miami, I’ve decided to investigate.

First, we need to establish some ground rules. And the most important is that we’re talking about a real Christmas tree.

I appreciate that artificial trees have their advantages.

You can put one up in September, take it down in February, and apart from the occasional missing branch, it’ll look exactly the same.

But that’s cheating.

If we’re going to establish the correct date for putting up a Christmas tree, we need to judge it by the genuine article.

Something green, fragrant and capable of shedding enough needles to keep the robot vacuum cleaner busy.

So, how long does a real Christmas tree actually last?

According to the experts, a freshly cut Christmas tree, properly cared for, should last around three to four weeks indoors.

That’s encouraging, although the key words “properly cared for” immediately raise some concerns.

Apparently, you’re supposed to make a fresh cut at the bottom of the trunk, stand it in water, check that water regularly and keep the tree away from excessive heat and direct sunlight.

So basically, you’re adopting a rather large and demanding houseplant.

And we’ve all been there.

Standing in the garden centre, convinced that this peace lily will be a piece of the family for years to come.

This time will be different. We’ll follow every instruction on that little plastic label.

Keep the soil moist but not wet, provide bright but indirect sunlight, feed regularly during the growing season, maintain moderate humidity and occasionally wipe the dust from its leaves.

Then we get it home.

The soil goes from moist to something resembling the Sahara Desert; the bright indirect sunlight becomes a dark corner of the lounge; feeding is forgotten, humidity is whatever the weather happens to be doing; and the only time we wipe the leaves is when we’re checking to see if the poor thing is still alive.

And somehow, we’re genuinely surprised when it dies.

So, given our rather questionable track record with house plants, what makes us think we’ll be any better at looking after a Christmas tree?

Yet every December, we convince ourselves that this time will be different.

Of course, there is another option.

You could adopt the “goldfish approach”.

Anyone who grew up with a goldfish will understand the concept.

When the original fish unexpectedly departed this world, Mum or Dad would quietly visit the pet shop and purchase an almost identical replacement.

By the time the children returned home, Goldie was swimming happily around the bowl, apparently none the worse for having spent the morning floating upside down, practising his backstroke.

The same principle could theoretically apply to Christmas trees.

If yours starts looking a little worse for wear around December 15, simply sneak out, purchase another one and replace it before anyone notices.

There are, however, some practical difficulties.

For starters, finding two Christmas trees that look exactly alike is considerably harder than matching two orange goldfish.

There’s also a lot of admin involved in de-decorating and re-decorating a Christmas tree.

And most importantly, unlike the goldfish, you can’t flush the body down the toilet.

Which brings us back to our original question. When should the tree go up?

I think the most sensible approach is to work backwards from the big guy’s arrival.

Santa is due on December 25.

Ideally, we’d like the tree looking magnificent on Christmas morning, with presents underneath, lights twinkling and enough needles still attached to distinguish it from a besom broom covered in tinsel.

So, if we accept the experts’ estimate of three to four weeks, that puts the earliest sensible date somewhere around the end of November.

But remember, that’s assuming perfect conditions, regular watering and a level of horticultural dedication that most households have never demonstrated.

We also need to allow for the fact that Christmas doesn’t finish on December 25.

There’s Boxing Day, visiting relatives and those strange few days when nobody knows what day it is.

In fact, Christmas doesn’t officially end until leftover ham for lunch and pavlova for breakfast are no longer considered acceptable meals.

So, to be safe, I’m proposing the first weekend of December as the official Christmas tree installation date.

It’s early enough to enjoy several weeks of Christmas cheer, late enough to give the tree a fighting chance of surviving the festivities, and conveniently close to the point when even the most determined Grinch starts accepting that Christmas is actually happening.

Naturally, I don’t expect everyone to agree.

The Christmas enthusiasts will accuse me of stealing precious weeks of festive happiness, while the Grinches will argue that December 24 still makes considerably more sense.

But that’s the wonderful thing about Christmas. We all have our own traditions, our own little rituals and our own ideas about how it should be celebrated.

And as long as there’s a little goodwill, a bit of laughter and someone willing to untangle the Christmas lights, does the exact date really matter?

Although I will say this: if you’re already putting up a real tree, you’d better be very good at watering it.