His ex wasn’t a great communicator, but the uncertainty over their breakup is killing him.
Dear Say More: My ex-girlfriend broke up with me over a year ago, without giving a specific reason. I didn’t want to talk to her at all about it because I was frustrated with her overall lack of communication, but I realised recently that I really want to know. If I had to bet, I would say she ended the relationship because she didn’t want a long-distance relationship (I went off to college), but the uncertainty of it all is living rent-free in my head.
We’re not unfriendly now, but we don’t talk anymore. How do I even go about asking why now? Is it even worth it?
- Late Question
Late Question: I fear the question that is living rent-free in your head is the wrong squatter. Breakups are hard no matter how they happen, so I am sympathetic. But the real question you should be posing to yourself is: “Why am I so fixated on needing to know why she broke up with me?”
Not knowing is hard. Our minds fill in all the blanks for us with anxiety and worst-case-scenarios, and questions like: Was it that one thing I said that one time? What could I have done to prevent this? Am I unlovable? (No; probably nothing; absolutely not.)
I think you already know you are going to get an unsatisfying answer from your ex. She was, by your description, a bad communicator. If you were to ask her, there’s a chance (a very, very slim one, given that it’s been a year and you aren’t really in touch) she might tell some version of the truth and give you honest feedback. There’s a better chance that she’s moved on emotionally and would want to spare your feelings without relitigating this breakup, so she would give you the line about long distance.
But the likeliest outcome here is that maybe it really was the distance. Occam’s razor, the principle that the simplest explanation has the greatest chance of being right, applies to relationships, too. Long-distance relationships are, for some people, irreparably lonely.
Is that an answer that would satisfy you? It seems like you’re searching for something else. And – I say this gently – you are not going to find it down this line of inquiry.
How can you become more comfortable with not knowing? This is a practice that will serve you well in life, because bad things are going to happen – or maybe already have happened – to all of us, and sometimes they are completely incomprehensible. The reasons may reveal themselves over time – as they might eventually for you, because college is a time when we’re starting to figure out who we are as adults – but sometimes, they never do. What would it feel like to accept that she had her reasons, and you will never understand them? That you tried your best in this relationship, and it just didn’t work out? Is there a version of that that feels like freedom?
Instead of evicting your squatter, I hope you can move in with the unknown. Hang up some pictures. Settle in on the couch. Get to know this unwanted roommate, and you will better know yourself.
- The Washington Post’s advice column, Say More, tackles relationship conflicts of all types: romantic, familial, platonic, etc. Maura Judkis is a features reporter for The Washington Post.